Wednesday, November 7, 2012

New One-Shot: Chelsea Cameron's NYT Best Seller "My Favorite Mistake"

Chelsea Cameron is a repeat customer like whoa. I'm currently working on our fifth book description together, and our first full-fledged collaboration. The previous four were one-shots, where I take a look at the current description, give it as good a shake as I can, ask a bunch of questions, point out weak spots and give the best advice I can to help the author finish the blurb themselves. Chelsea's always been a champ at finishing up a great blurb (scroll down into the earlier posts to find another one-shot I did with her).

My Favorite Mistake is the fourth one-shot I did for Chelsea. Imagine how happy I was for her when I got this email from Chelsea a couple of days ago:


I wanted to tell you that since we last talked, My Favorite Mistake (complete with the blurb you helped me write) has made the New York Times Best Seller list, as well as the USA Today Best Seller list! ...  I just wanted to thank you so much for all your help. I know this book wouldn't have been so successful without your help.

Thanks, Chelsea, it's always fun to work on a blurb with you! Here's the process Chelsea and I went through to get her blurb just how she wanted it.

Before:
Taylor Caldwell is angry, broken and afraid to love. She doesn't want to get burned.
Hunter Zaccadelli is cocky, charming and refuses to love. He's been burned before.

When she opens the door of her new campus apartment to meet her new roommate, Taylor isn't expecting Hunter. Within thirty seconds of their meeting, she knows she wants him gone ASAP. A boy like Hunter with his tattoos, guitar and constant sexual innuendos, is nothing but bad news. Especially when he starts turning up everywhere she goes.

The only problem is, Hunter's not leaving. Not without a fight. He manages to charm their two other roommates, Renee and Darah, but Taylor's not buying it. 

Then Hunter offers Taylor a proposition she can't refuse. If she can make him believe that she truly loves him, or truly hates him, he'll leave. As Taylor struggles to win the bet, she starts getting closer to Hunter and finds there's more to him than his devastating blue eyes and a mouth she can't decide if she wants to punch or kiss.

Hunter has a past, a dark one, but so does Taylor. When Taylor's secret threatens to resurface in her life, in the form of her older sister's ex-boyrfriend, she finds the one person who understands might be the first boy to ever set her heart on fire, and she might be the girl to help him realize love is not a lost cause.

Consultation, with existing/suggested wording in italics and my comments in plain text:
Taylor Caldwell can't decide if she wants to kiss her new college roommate or punch him.

On the one hand, Hunter Zaccadelli is a handsome, blue-eyed bundle of charm. On the other, he's a tattooed, guitar-playing bundle of bad boy. Maybe that's why Taylor's afraid of falling in love with him, or anyone else. She doesn't want to get burned, and even though her other roommates adore him she wants him gone before it's too late.

Hunter himself has been been burned before, but [something specific about Taylor other than her looks or in addition to them] makes him decide maybe love isn't a lost cause. They make a bet: if she can convince him she truly hates him, he'll leave the apartment--and leave her alone. The problem is, the more time they spend together, the less she hates him.

Problems with the last paragraph:

Hunter has a past, a dark one, but so does Taylor. When Taylor's secret threatens to resurface in her life, in the form of her older sister's ex-boyfriend, she finds the one person who understands might be the first boy to ever set her heart on fire, and she might be the girl to help him realize love is not a lost cause.

Dark pasts are cliche. Get a little more specific. What does the ex-boyfriend have to do with it? Start there and make the wording more active. Possibility, with assumptions you'll need to correct:

But when the man who holds the key to Taylor's fear of heartbreak resurfaces and threatens to wreck everything, she has to decide: trust Hunter with her greatest secret, or do everything in her power to win that bet and drive him away forever.

Remember, always make sure to answer these questions:
What does your protagonist have to do?
Why is she the only one who can do it?
What/who is standing in her way?
What happens if she doesn't succeed?

After:
Taylor Caldwell can't decide if she wants to kiss her new college roommate or punch him.

On the one hand, Hunter Zaccadelli is a handsome, blue-eyed bundle of charm. On the other, he's a tattooed, guitar-playing bundle of bad boy. Maybe that's why Taylor's afraid of falling in love with him, or anyone else. She doesn't want to get burned, and even though her other roommates adore him, she wants him gone before it's too late.

Hunter himself has been been burned before, but the fact that Taylor calls him out on his crap and has the sexiest laugh ever make him decide maybe love isn't a lost cause. They make a bet: if she can convince him she truly loves or hates him, he'll leave the apartment--and leave her alone. The problem is, the more time they spend together, the less she hates him, and the more she moves toward love.

But when the man who holds the key to Taylor's fear of giving up her heart resurfaces and threatens to wreck everything, she has to decide: trust Hunter with her greatest secret, or do everything in her power to win that bet and drive him away forever.




Thursday, September 27, 2012

New Before/After: "Myth Weaver"



Today's before/after is David J. Normoyle's Myth Weaver.

Before:

The Norse and Greek mythologies are about to collide and Jagger is stuck in the middle.

"A must read for anyone fascinated with the legends and myths of old."

When Jagger's daydream world becomes a battleground for Odin and Zeus, the edges of reality begin to blur. A contest of myths is formed where Norse is pitted against Greek. Jagger is Perseus as he cuts off Medusa's head and Loki as he schemes against Thor and the other gods. And that's nothing to what he faces in his first year in university. Can ancient truths help Jagger in the real world?

"The retelling of the stories of the gods are cleverly intertwined with a student's own quest with coping with life."

A young adult fantasy novel.

After:
Eighteen-year-old Jagger Burns lives so much in his head that his guardian wonders if she should commit him. In the real world, he's shy, he's an orphan and he's just failed his college exams. His imaginary world feels safer. When he enrolls in a mythology class, Greek and Norse myths fill Jagger's daydreams; they become so real that Zeus's thunderbolts leave phantom burns behind. These gods have ideas of their own; they're guiding Jagger back to reality.

Each myth he relives in his imaginary world teaches Jagger more about living in the real world. With Loki and Prometheus to help him, he begins to re-enter life and gets a job on the student newspaper. But when his reporting uncovers a dangerous crime ring, he'll need everything the gods can teach him to survive. Otherwise, he'll either dream away the rest of his life in an institution, or wind up dead.

I'd love to help you with your blurb!


Friday, September 14, 2012

New Before/After: "Land of Myth (The Dragon Wars Saga)



Today's before/after is Becka Sutton's first book in the Dragon Wars Saga series, Land of Myth.

Before:
Weird events have beset the Stevens Quadruplets since infancy. But nothing can prepare them for the day they open their door and find another world outside. A world inhabited by intelligent mythical creatures, most of whom are hostile to humanity. And it seems they are expected to save it from its ancient enemy – the dragons.

Even with the help of their bonded ‘heart friends’ can they save both this strange, new world and Earth when the people they are trying to help want to kill them?

After:
The four Stevens kids have been odd since birth; they're quadruplets, after all. But that's only the beginning. Lydia is pyrokinetic. Karen has dangerous gaps in her memory. Daniel is hiding something dark and sinister from the others. And cryokinetic Andrew is obsessed with the paranormal for a reason: monsters have chased them, showers have turned to blood, and roads sometimes don't lead where they should.

Perhaps they should have expected it when three of them open a door and find another world beyond it.

Dragons threaten this world, where almost every inhabitant--every mythical creature Earth's peoples think they've dreamed up--hates humanity. Even so, Karen, Andrew and Lydia discover three creatures who love them have been waiting there. Through a mystical bond, these "heart friends" can access the quads' powers and fight the dragons. But powerful forces are trying to keep the kids and their heart friends apart--and if they succeed, it spells disaster for both Earth and the world beyond the door.


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

New before/after: "Nocturnal"



Today's before/after is the first one-shot I've featured. The one-shot service is a thorough once-through of your blurb; I may be able to rewrite it, or depending on what you've given me I may only be able to make suggestions, give possible examples based on what I do know, and give you questions to answer.

This blurb is for Chelsea M. Cameron's book Nocturnal, the first of the three Noctalis Chronicles books. I did one-shots for all three of the books, and I'll be featuring them all here in coming days. This is the second blurb we've worked on together. After we finished this one, here's what Chelsea has to say about working with me:

Wahoo! Sooo much better. You're magical. ... The first blurb you did has been more effective than I ever could have dreamed.

Thanks, Chelsea!

For one-shots, I'm going to show you what the client gave me initially, what I sent back, and what the client eventually came up with. Things I put in [[brackets]] are questions I have or incomplete information the client needs to fill in.

Before
Seventeen-year-old Ava-Claire Sullivan isn't one for doing the expected. Especially when she finds out her mother's cancer is terminal. After a crying session in the local cemetery where she's attacked by one strange guy and saved by another, she doesn't call the cops. Because those guys definitely weren't your average hooligans. 

And the one who sort-of saved her? Well, he's odd. He doesn't seem to breathe or smile or have anything better to do than wait in the cemetery for Ava to come back, which she does. Morbid curiosity? Even after he warns her that he's dangerous, she can't stop wanting to see him, talk to him, be with him.

There's just something about Peter that provides a much-needed escape from her mother's diagnosis and her tenuous relationship with her father. Her best friends, Jamie and Texas, don't know what it's like to face death. Peter does; he already has. But a promise he made a long time ago could destroy both of them.

When everything in your life is falling apart, what are you willing to give up to hold onto the one thing that could last forever?


One-Shot Consultation
Seventeen-year-old Ava-Claire Sullivan's mother is dying. Perhaps it's no surprise, then, that her greatest solace comes from someone who's already dead.

Peter [[last name?]] saves her one night in a graveyard from an attacker just as strange as he is, and now Ava-Claire can't stop thinking about him. She wants to see him again--even after he warns her against himself, and she begins to realize what he is. Her best friends don't know anything about death, but Peter does, intimately. He's waiting for her [[whenever/every night]] she comes to the cemetery. 

But their growing bond comes up against a promise Peter made a long time ago, a promise that could destroy them both. Now Ava-Claire has to decide just what she's willing to give up to hold onto the one thing that could last forever.


After
Seventeen-year-old Ava-Claire Sullivan's mother is dying. Perhaps it's no surprise, then, that her greatest solace comes from someone who's already dead. 

 Peter Hart saves her one night in a graveyard from an attacker just as strange as he is, and now Ava can't stop thinking about him. She wants to see him again - even after he warns her he's dangerous, and she begins to realize what he is. Her best friends don't know anything about death, but Peter does, intimately. He's waiting for her the next night she comes to the cemetery, and the next... 

 But their growing bond comes up against a promise Peter made a long time ago, a promise that could destroy them both. Now Ava has to decide just what she's willing to give up to hold onto the one thing that could last forever.


Friday, September 7, 2012

New Before/After: Feels Like the First Time



Today's before/after is Shawn Inmon's Feels Like the First Time, a true love story set in the '70s and the modern day.

Before:

September, 1975: Shawn meets Dawn, his one true love, when she moves into the vacant house next door.  Many people spend their life searching in vain for happiness, but he was lucky; finding it at the age of fifteen.

February 1979: Forbidden to see each other and feeling he is harming her by being in her life, he walks away from the love of his life, seemingly forever.

December, 2006: After decades of sadness and mourning the girl that got away, he has a chance meeting with her that might change his life forever… again. Can the sweet bond of first love not only survive, but flourish?

Feels Like the First Time lets you share in the magic of young love in small town America in the 1970s.  No matter how much the world changes, some things – timeless music, high school dances, making out in the backseat of a Chevy Vega, and of course true love – will always remain the same.


After:
His name was Shawn, hers was Dawn, and when they found one another in 1975 they knew it was forever--even though they were only 15. But they have only four years together until they're forbidden to see one another. Shawn walks away from their small town, convinced he's nothing but trouble for the love of his life.

Decades pass, and Shawn never forgets her. When he runs into Dawn out of the blue, they must discover whether it really can feel like the first time--or whether true love only happens in the songs of their youth. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

New before/after: A World Apart

Today's before/after is David Brown's A World Apart, the second book in the Elencheran Chronicles series. I also wrote the blurb for the first book, Fezariu's Ephiphany. Here's what we did together:

Before:
Demetrius, Elenya and Halcyon thought they'd be friends for life - but love easily gets in the way of friendship.  Misunderstandings, pride and childish folly see the trio split and Demetrius heading out into the world alone. 

Years later none of them have the lives they dreamed of. Halcyon has followed Elena into piracy, a life much more suited to her wild ways. Demetrius has fallen from grace: no longer a decorated soldier, he is forced to become a bounty hunter. Elena has embraced magic - but magic in Elenchera has a devasting price.

When Demetrius receives an assignment to track down Elenchera's most famous pirate, will love or duty rule his heart in the end?

After:
Demetrius makes his first mistake when he lets his best friend Halcyon marry Eleyna, the love of his life, without saying a word. On the day of the wedding, he walks away from the Elencheran town of Dove's Meadow and joins the army.

He makes his second mistake when the pirate Black Iris tricks him into letting dozens of men, women and children die in a fire. Demetrius is imprisoned in grief and disgrace.

But he can atone. The Black Iris is dead. The Ivory Rose has risen to the top of the pirates and is leading brutal raids on the coast. If Demetrius can capture and kill her, he'll win his pardon.

And then Demetrius discovers the Ivory Rose is Eleyna. He must decide which will be his third mistake: Losing his last chance at a pardon, or destroying the one woman he's ever loved.


I'd love to help you with your blurb!


Monday, May 21, 2012

Before/after: "Tangled Ties to a Manatee"

Today's before/after is Kalen Capp's "Tangled Ties to a Manatee," and boy, this was a toughie! Kalen and I really worked hard on this one. His novel is from multiple points of view, and when he says "tangled," he means it. We're talking cast of thousands and intersecting plot lines, all of it coming back to that manatee. (Sounds like one of my books, except for the manatee part.)

Anyway, here's what we came up with together:

Before:

Though having little in common, Cecily and Janelle, two college coeds, become fast friends while negotiating teacher crushes, exams, working, and dealing with Vera, a tarot-reading obsessed nonprofit executive. Vera’s more worried about her Environmental Retreat Center, which is being secretly investigated as a cult, than she is about her missing nephew, Jerry, a developmentally disabled young man who works at a coffee shop the coeds frequent.

After stumbling upon two con men’s headquarters, Jerry is held captive by them. They are working on the biggest scam of their lives. The scam impacts everyone nearby, including Jerry’s favorite animal at Grove City zoo, Ankh, the lone pregnant manatee in Ohio.

By helping Vera, have Cecily and Janelle become involved in the goings on of a cult, or is there something more explosive involved in the electrical grid’s sabotaging scheme Jerry’s captors have initiated? Either way, the girls and their friends all find they have tangled ties to a pregnant manatee in danger.

Tangled Ties to a Manatee is a multiple-POV General Fiction work of 106,000 words. The frequent reader who appreciates an interwoven storyline will enjoy this eco-themed novel. A small number of protagonists interact among friends, family, and acquaintances within a metropolitan community. The crisp dialogue provides for a down-to-earth interplay of new adults and other characters as relationships begin, deepen, and shatter over an extended weekend. This quick-paced read unfolds with a choreographed ensemble of characters while story threads stretch and interweave to a denouement that ultimately connects all involved.


After:

A pregnant manatee is rare at any zoo, and a first for the Grove City Zoo in Ohio. Ankh is a delight to zoo patrons, a concern to its staff, and the unintentional victim of two con men. She has no idea how many human relationships, problems, and dreams tangle around her.

Jerry is a young developmentally disabled man who happily follows Ankh's pregnancy on the zoo's webcam. He has a shy crush on Janelle, a pretty college student who volunteers for his group home’s outings to the zoo.

Jerry's Aunt Vera also loves nature and runs an environmental retreat center. But all is not well, with Vera or the center. The center needs money and is under investigation as a cult.

Amid their college studies, Janelle and her friend Cecily try to help. Instead, Janelle re-awakens an old obsession in Vera when an innocent tarot reading hints at how the center might be saved.

Two bumbling con men are attempting to sabotage the region’s electrical grid as part of a lucrative scheme. But Jerry accidentally gets in their way and becomes their captive.

When the con men surprisingly succeed in bringing the grid down, it spells danger for Ankh, her unborn pup, and the many people tied to them both. With investigations of their own, Cecily and Janelle try to untangle it all to find Jerry, save a manatee’s life, and rescue Vera from herself.

I'd love to help you with your blurb!

Two more blurbs of mine own: "The Mage's Toy" and "The Amber Cross"

Here are a couple of blurbs I wrote for myself. These books are in a series called Aria Afton Presents, a line of stand-alone fantasy erotic novellas. The first, for the book The Mage's Toy:

Runaway Jennia Wick has to marry her childhood sweetheart to escape a bad apprenticeship--if she can find him. Traveling mage Antony Onyx is bitter after a former lover took both his money and half his lifetime store of magic. But when they meet on the road, their instant attraction cracks his cynicism and her resolve.

Even though Antony has vowed never to be vulnerable again, he can't bring himself to let Jennia be re-captured. He offers to hide her, but only if she helps sell his sex charms, enchanted toys that can satisfy any desire. He tells himself it'll be just like all his other models--strictly business. Even though she's already fallen for Antony, Jennia is determined to find her childhood love and agrees.<

But Antony's toys only ignite their desire for one another. Passion may prove more than the mage and the runaway can resist, but when Antony finds Jennia's sweetheart, he must make a choice that could lead to happiness for her--and catastrophe for himself.

This is a DRM-free erotic romance novella.

The second is for The Amber Cross, a Jane Austen mashup--I know, but all the cool kids are doing it! :D

Glamorous siblings Henry and Mary Crawford have captivated the Bertrams of Mansfield Park. Sisters Maria and Julia compete for Henry's attention. Their brother Edmund falls hard for Mary.

The one exception is the Bertrams' shy cousin, Fanny Price. Penniless, plain and raised to believe she has little worth, Fanny has long accepted that Edmund will never love her as she loves him. He will marry another--just let it not be a girl like Mary Crawford!

But when Fanny's seafaring brother gives her an ancient amber cross, the talisman reveals to her what kind of girl Mary Crawford really is. She and her brother are succubi, out to seduce the Bertrams and consume their life force--and Henry Crawford has decided Fanny is the most delicious of them all. Timid Fanny must find the strength to resist Henry's seductive powers if she is to save her own life and that of her beloved Edmund.

A paranormal erotica mashup of Jane Austen's "Mansfield Park," "The Amber Cross" originally appeared in the Circlet Press anthology "Sense and Sensuality."


I'd be happy to help with your blurb!

Friday, March 30, 2012

A before/after of mine own: "Son in Sorrow"


Today's before/after is one of my own--the second book in my Intimate History series, Son in Sorrow. I don't have a blurb doctor I can turn to, so I turned to Kindleboards.com for feedback. Here's what we did together:

Before:
Two years ago, Prince Temmin risked everything when he took Supplicancy in the Lovers' Temple. His father opposed him, swearing it would fulfill a prophecy signalling the end of the monarchy. For his disobedience, Temmin is now estranged from his family.

He's beginning to wonder if he made the right choice. Temple life is filled with love both physical and spiritual. But exclusive, possessive love is forbidden and Temmin's love is the most forbidden of all: Allis, the human host of the goddess Neya. Temmin knows he must conquer his emotions or face the potentially deadly fury of the Lovers, but his own need and pride stand in his way.

Then a murder strikes at Temmin's very soul. He turns for help to the magic book of his ancestors, searching for answers to his desire for revenge, and for a woman he mustn't love.

Set in a Victorianesque world of magic, sexuality, political intrigue and military conquest, Son in Sorrow is the second book in the epic fantasy series An Intimate History of the Greater Kingdom.

After:
Prince Temmin incurred his father's wrath when he took Supplicancy in the Lovers' Temple; his devotion to the Gods outweighed his father's rage. Now he faces a greater challenge: his forbidden love for Allis, the human host of the goddess Neya. If he doesn't conquer his emotions, he may bring the Lovers' deadly fury down on them both--but pride and desire stand in his way. When a murder rips his greatest support from him, Temmin turns to the magic book of his ancestors to find answers to his need both for revenge and for a woman he must not love.

All the while, enemies inside and outside the kingdom are plotting against the monarchy, and the gods prove once again they are no one's friends.

Set in a Victorianesque world of magic, sexuality, political intrigue and military conquest, Son in Sorrow is the second book in the epic fantasy series An Intimate History of the Greater Kingdom.


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

New before/after: "Before the Daisies Grow"


Today's before/after is Micki Street's comic romance, "Before the Daisies Grow," which, by the way, is free today at Amazon! Here's what we did together.

Before:
Toss the bloomers, get a bikini wax and slip into a thong: life begins at sixty-ish.

Dotty, Wilma and Nora accept Lucas’s invitation to holiday on the island of Brazzina, but have no idea of the dangers they face. Unbeknown to them, he is a drug baron with an ulterior motive.

A chance meeting with Major Milestone, a yummy gentleman, has Dotty’s hormones doing the tango. Sadly for her, he has to rebuff her amorous advances when he learns their holiday plans coincide with his covert military operation on the island. As duty comes first, his priorities are to capture Lucas, crack his cartel and destroy the island’s poppy plantations. To achieve his mission, he has to secretly provide protection for the women. What he doesn’t reckon on is Dotty’s discovery of his protection and her launching a harebrained escape plan that turns his well ordered plans into a circus. When truth prevails, red-faced Dotty schemes how to woo Milestone for her ulterior motives: failing which, her high-speed vibrator will have to suffice.

After:
Toss the bloomers, get a bikini wax and slip into a thong: life begins at sixty!

When sixty-something Dotty and her two friends accept an invitation to a holiday on a west African island, they have no idea their host Lucas is a drug lord using them as cover. Nor does Dotty have any idea that her new acquaintance, the delicious Major Ramsay Milestone, has an ulterior motive, too--he's there on a covert mission to break up Lucas's operation.

Covert or not, Dotty finds out and quickly gets her wires crossed. Even though the Major's making her hormones do the tango, she's convinced he's the bad guy. But in her harebrained attempts to "rescue" herself and her friends she makes things worse for everyone but Lucas. When she learns the truth she not only has to clean up her mess: she has to make it up to--and hopefully make out with--the Major, or be left alone with her trusty vibrator.

Need help with your blurb? I'm here for you!

Friday, March 16, 2012

New before/after: "Tritium Gambit"


Today's before/after is Erik Hyrkas's comic science fiction novel Tritium Gambit, the first in his series Max and Miranda. This was something of a toughie; depending on how you squint, it's either an "actioner" with lots of comedy, or a comedy with lots of action. We wanted to catch the one but not lose the other.

Here's what Erik says about going through the blurb process with me:

I couldn't have found anybody better to help me with a blurb for my book.  I spent dozens of hours of frustration on my own, and more hours consulting other writers, friends, and family, but without you, I couldn't have found the right blurb.
Thanks, Erik! It was fun working with you. Take a look at what Erik and I did together:

--Oh wait! You should know that Erik sent me forty--40!--different attempts at his blurb! I'll spare you the forty; this is the one he was using when he hired me:

Before:

The best agents examine their briefs before a harrowing mission. Max waits until his briefs need to be washed.

He wakes up this morning hungry for bacon and eggs. Instead, he’s served an aromatic pile of opportunity. The prestigious record he set this year might be the culprit: he's lost the most partners to intergalactic predators. His new partner, Miranda, is considering a career change, which may help her live longer.

Sometimes your greatest enemy isn't the forty foot alien chewing your arm, but you have to start somewhere.

After:
Intergalactic Secret Service Agent Maximus Anderson is a trouble magnet. Oh, he's fine, but every single one of his former partners is either dead, disabled, or permanently stinks of Krylian boar spray.

Fresh-out-of-the-Academy Agent Miranda Smith thinks she's hot stuff, but she's already lost her first partner and is headed toward trouble magnet territory herself.

Now, in hopes the two nuisances will kill each other off, the ISS has paired Max and Miranda up to investigate possible alien activity in a galactic backwater called Minnesota. Something seems to be lunching on the locals, and that something may have hotwired a military spaceship with enough firepower to level a city.

The closer Max and Miranda get to solving the mystery, the harder it becomes to resist their pesky romantic attraction—and stay off the menu themselves. Max will tell you, it's tough to crack a case with a giant alien chewing on your arm.

Tritium Gambit is the first in the comic science fiction series Max and Miranda.





Tuesday, March 13, 2012

New before/after: "The Emerald City"

Today's before/after is J.A. Beard's "The Emerald City," an urban fantasy story set in Seattle and loosely based on "The Wizard of Oz."

Before:
In this loose re-imagining of the Wizard of Oz, Kansas teen Gail Dorjee has tried to escape from the pain of her parents' death by retreating into a hard shell of anger and sarcasm.

When her aunt and uncle ship her off to an elite Seattle boarding school, Osland Academy, she spends her first day making enemies, including the school's most powerful clique, the Winged, and their leader, the ruthless Diana.

Social war and the school's uptight teachers are only mild annoyances. Mysterious phone outages, bizarre behavioral blocks, and strange incidents suggest Osland is focused on something much more sinister than education.

Now Gail has to survive at Osland with a pretty pathetic assortment of potential allies: her airhead roommate, a cowardly victim of the Winged, and maybe, just maybe, Diana's cold but handsome boyfriend, Nick.

After:
When her parents die, teenager Gail Dorjee retreats into an angry, sarcastic shell. She hopes it will ease her pain, but all it gets her is a one-way trip from Kansas to a Seattle boarding school, the elite Osland Academy.

As soon as she arrives, Gail clashes with Diana, the leader of the school's most powerful clique. The Winged make Gail's life hell until she finds allies: her airhead roommate; a cowardly fellow victim of the Winged; and, bit by bit, Diana's boyfriend--the seemingly heartless Nick.

Gail soon has bigger problems than Diana. One of her teachers hates her. Glasses shatter and fountains erupt around her. She can't swear no matter how hard she tries. An unseen force is keeping her on campus. And worst of all, she uncovers a plot that will give one person a precious gift at the cost of thousands of lives. Now Gail and her friends must stop the plot--not just to save lives, but to win a brain, the nerve, a heart and a home in this modern urban fantasy take on "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz."

Monday, March 12, 2012

Spoiler Syndrome

I see it almost every day at Kindleboards.com. A writer's looking for help with a blurb, but it's impossible to give. Why? I have no idea what the story's about. Blurb after blurb reads something like:

This guy [but I can't tell you his name] does something amazing [but I can't tell you what it is or what it does] that may change the world [but I can't tell you how]. Someone [but I can't tell you who] wants to do something else with the something amazing [but I can't tell you what that is]. It's a rollercoaster ride of suspense!

The only suspense is what the hell the book is about. Trust me, no one will buy that book to discover if it really is a rollercoaster of suspense. You haven't built interest with all the hanging questions in that blurb; you've deflected it.

"Yes," says the writer, "but I'm afraid to give too much of the story away." If this is what you're struggling with, friend, you have Spoiler Syndrome.

Studies have actually shown that getting spoiled doesn't ruin the enjoyment of the reader/viewer. Not that you should reveal the entire plot in your blurb, but don't hesitate to give people the essentials. In fact, you must give people more information than not.

A great rule Edward W. Robertson put forth at Kindleboards.com, partially paraphrased:
Any details in the first half of the book are fair game. If something unexpected happens in the first half, that's not a twist. That's a hook.
One way to break through Spoiler Syndrome: Write a draft of the blurb giving EVERYTHING away. All of it. Then pare it back until you have the basics of what the book is about.

Succumbing to Spoiler Syndrome will leave you with a mushy blurb, a blurb that gives no indication of what makes your story different or even what it's about. Look your blurb over and see if you need to give away more, not less.

More blurb-writing tips here.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

New before/after: "Penny for Your Debts"

Today's before/after is Zoe E. Whitten's fantasy, Penny for Your Debts. This is a dark retelling of an instantly recognizable fairy tale. We did two versions of this blurb, one 400-character shortie for Smashwords and one full blurb for everywhere else. Let me say for the record that 400 characters is too little for a proper book description. It's possible to sum up a book in a sentence, and I suppose that's what one should aim for in a Smashwords short description. Nevertheless, that's not what I did here.

Full disclosure: Zoe is an online friend.

Short version before:

Penny Sterling is just eight when her mother Jane fulfills a pact made before her birth. Given to Nicholas Rumpelstilts, Penny is told she will serve as a child bride. But once he has his prize alone, Nicholas treats Penny like gold, granting her access to her mother, friends, and a quiet life with a private bedroom. Nicholas promises never to lie, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t keeping secrets...

Short version after:
Eight-year-old Penny Sterling's mother promised her to Nicholas Rumpelstilts before her birth. When she becomes his child bride, she fears the worst but he leaves her alone and treats her kindly. As she grows up, Penny develops magical powers that put her in danger, and Nicholas protects and comforts her. When he disappears she must choose between her freedom and her growing love for her captor.

Long version before:
Penny Sterling is just eight when her mother Jane fulfills a pact made before her birth. Given to Nicholas Rumpelstilts, Penny is told she will serve as a child bride. But once he has his prize alone, Nicholas treats Penny like gold, granting her access to her mother, friends, and a quiet life with a private bedroom. Nicholas promises never to lie, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t keeping secrets...

Penny begins to have strange feelings and thoughts which are not her own. With her abilities manifesting, Nicholas entrusts Penny with a secret she can’t share with Jane: magic is real, and Penny is a developing witch. Her powers expose her to many dangerous creatures, but they also bring her closer to an extended family she never knew she had. Penny learns how her kind are seen as monsters by normal humans, and she encounters a real monster who leaves her with scars, both physical and emotional. With these exposures to the harsh realities of her dual life, Nicholas no longer seems so terrible, and Penny comes to love him. Despite the warnings of her friends not to do anything hasty, Penny crosses another boundary and allows Nicholas to become her lover.

When Nicholas disappears, Penny panics and uses what little training she has to search for him. In the process, she exposes herself to her closest friends and makes a deal that threatens her life as well as the safety of her mother and Jane’s new husband. 

A dark fantasy exploring themes of child brides and Stockholm syndrome, Penny for Your Debts contains graphic violence and sexual situations, and should not be read by anyone under the age of eighteen.

Long version after:
When eight-year-old Penny Sterling becomes the child bride of Nicholas Rumpelstits, she expects the worst. Instead, she's free to go to school, to have friends, even to see the mother who gave her to Nicholas before her birth--and her new husband never lays a hand on her. But however pleasant the cage, she's still a prisoner.

As Penny grows, she learns why Nicholas may want her: she's a witch. She must hide her abilities or risk the world's fear and hatred. Penny always thought Nicholas was the monster, but when a real monster leaves her scarred emotionally and physically he is the one who offers safety and comfort in a world where she's likely to find neither.

When Nicholas disappears in dangerous circumstances, Penny faces a hard choice: take her freedom, or search for a captor she's come to love.

A dark fantasy exploring themes of child marriage and Stockholm syndrome, Penny for Your Debts contains graphic violence and sexual situations, and should not be read by anyone under the age of eighteen.





Monday, February 6, 2012

New before/after: "Punish Me with Roses"



Today's before/after is Juliet Moore's Victorian romance, "Punish Me with Roses." It's a wee bit on the long side--I like to keep it below 180 words if possible--but I think it works.

Before:
After her cousin is fatally poisoned, Victoria Clavering becomes both an heiress and the number one suspect.

Fearing prosecution, Victoria escapes to her uncle's estate in Cornwall, a place of dark legends and intrepid smugglers. There is safety in avoidance … until she meets Alexander Trevelyn, the second son of a wealthy landowner. 

Victoria falls for the handsome stranger, never realizing he's the man who's been sent to prove her guilt and make her pay. 

Victoria needs to put her life back together and figuring out what really happened on that cold Christmas Eve her cousin died is the only way.

After:
Christmas, 1847 may be the bleakest of pretty orphan Victoria Clavering's life. She lives under the thumb of her guardian Hugh Clavering, a callous man who begrudges her even the smallest kindnesses. When Hugh and his valet are poisoned on Christmas Eve, Victoria becomes both heiress and murder suspect.

Alex Trevelyn, the valet's cousin, is convinced she's guilty. As far as Alex is concerned, the world is divided into the completely innocent and the completely wicked, and Victoria is as wicked as they come. After all, Hugh left his money first to Alex's cousin and then to Victoria. With both men dead, she inherits it all.

Alex vows to bring her to justice--until they meet, and unexpected passion flares between them. Soon Alex finds himself trying to protect Victoria after a series of threatening notes attached to roses, even though he still believes she's guilty.

Victoria must convince Alex of her innocence and clear her name. Alex must learn that life is more shaded than simple black and white. And they've got to do it quickly, to save their love and Victoria's life.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

New before/after: "Unleashed"



Today's before/after is Emily Kimelman's thriller, "Unleashed: A Sydney Rye Novel (Volume One)." Here's what we came up with together:

Before:
Joy Humbolt is not a huge fan of people and after getting fired from her latest stint as a barrista she is becoming dangerously close to unemployable. So when Charlene Miller offers Joy her dog-walking business on the exclusive upper east side of Manhattan, Joy is happy to accept, despite a suspiciously quick transaction.


But Joy's world is turned upside down when she discovers one of her clients murdered and Charlene gone. Joy cannot help but become caught up in the drama and danger of her new employer’s lives.


With the help of a rogue Police Detective Joy enters her clients sphere of power and influence searching for the killer. Usually a loner, Joy is disturbed by how much she likes it in their world. These people make the rules but are not bound by them. Joy realizes too late that only one kind of justice makes it this far uptown: vigilante. When Joy let’s go of  what little respect she had for the human race she become unstoppable, unleashed, and is reborn Sydney Rye.

After:
Joy Humbolt has trouble holding down jobs; she's a little too smart and a little too feisty for her own good. So when she buys Charlene Miller's dog-walking business on Manhattan's exclusive upper east side, it seems like the perfect fit: Posh environment, minimal contact with people.


But then one of her clients turns up dead, and Charlene disappears. Rumors say Charlene was having an affair with the dead man--and of course, everyone assumes Joy must know where she is.


Joy begins to look into the murder, first out of curiosity then out of anger when someone else dies and death threats start coming her way. The deeper Joy digs into the secrets of Manhattan's elite, the closer she gets to the killer--until she uncovers a treasure worth risking everything to take.

In the end:
I've decided to start showing what the author eventually went with if it's different than what I did. In this case, Emily changed some of the wording and added some stuff back that we'd taken out in the final edit. I want to emphasize that when authors change what I've done it's not wrong; they just make different choices. In the end, it's always the author's book:


Joy Humbolt does not like people telling her what to do, so it comes as no surprise that she was just fired from her last job. When she buys Charlene Miller's dog-walking business on Manhattan's exclusive upper east side, it seems like the perfect fit: Posh environment, minimal contact with people.


But then one of her clients turns up dead, and Charlene disappears. Rumors say Charlene was having an affair with the victim--and of course, everyone assumes Joy must know where she is. Joy begins to look into the crime, first out of curiosity then out of anger when there is another murder and threats start to come her way.


When police detective Mulberry is assigned to the case, Joy finds a kindred spirit--cynical and none-too-fond of the human race. As they dig deep into the secrets of Manhattan's elite, they not only get closer to the killer but to a treasure that might be worth risking everything to take.

Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

New before/after: "Angel of Brass"


Today's book is Elaine Corvidae's YA steampunk adventure "Angel of Brass." Let's get to it, shall we? (I have champagne to drink--my Kickstarter just went over $4,000, and I finished what may be the final version of my second book.)

Before:
Jin is a monster. Built from clockwork and spare parts, he can pass as human—barely. Horrified by the twisted plans of his creator, he flees for his life, but must leave his “sister” behind in Dr. Malachi’s clutches.

Dr. Malachi won’t let go of his prize creation so easily, and soon Jin is pursued by mechanical men and shambling zombies. His only hope lies with Molly, a brave mechanic able to see beyond the clockwork to the boy inside.

Can they foil Dr. Malachi’s schemes and save Jin’s sister? Or will Molly betray him when she learns the purpose for which the siblings were built: to assassinate the queen and bring about a war between nations?

After:
Dr Malachi made "siblings" Jin and Delilah of clockwork and spare parts--human and otherwise. They have one purpose: to assassinate Queen Rowena so Dr Malachi can profit from the war that will surely follow. When Jin discovers Dr Malachi's plans he runs away, but to his despair he must leave Delilah behind.

Life in the outside world is terrifying. Jin has never been away from his creator's estate, and he can barely pass for human. And now Dr Malachi's other creations--mechanical men and zombies--have picked up his trail. On the run, Jin crashes through young mechanic Molly Feldman's roof; she sees the humanity beneath the metal and decides to hide him, but soon Malachi's creatures are after her, too.

If Jin doesn't rescue his "sister" Delilah, she'll be forced to assassinate the Queen or die in the attempt. He needs Molly's help, but if she finds out he was built for the same purpose it may be the end for both Delilah and Jin.

Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Great advice on blurb-writing

JW Manus has great advice today on blurb writing: Don't let Aunt Edna write your blurb:
Bless her soul, Aunt Edna is not trying to drive people crazy. It’s that she has a story to tell, and it excites her and she wants other people to understand how exciting it is, so she needs to explain all the backstory and who the characters are and, of course, every story relates to another, so Uncle Henry’s hearing problems are important, too. 
It’s those Aunt Edna-ish impulses that give many writers fits when they try to write book descriptions. They love their book, they’re excited, they want others excited, too, but they know too much and they’re emotionally involved. Browsers on Amazon or B&N won’t look for the key to the gun safe, they’ll just click the “next” button.
Jaye says if you have the money, hire a copywriter (ahem), but if not, her advice on DIY is spot on. 

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

New Before/After: "Tangi's Teardrops"

Today's before/after is the fantasy Tangi's Teardrops by Liz Grace Davis. Liz says, "I have to honestly say I love it. ... I think now it's short but says everything." Here's what we did together:

Before:

How long does it take for someone’s world to come crashing down?
For twelve year old Tangi, it’s less than a week.
One day her father is tucking her in, and five days later, he’s gone and she finds herself in the village church attending his funeral. The only thing he leaves her, are three empty bottles and the future of being an orphan.

After the funeral, Tangi and her stepsisters move to an uncle’s farm. With more food, more clothes and a proper bed to sleep in, she should be happy. But she’s not. In fact, she has never been unhappier. She’s starved, beaten and treated like a mere slave by people who are supposed to care for her.

Then one night, she discovers a secret connected to the empty bottles her father left her. A secret that reveals her tears to be something extra ordinary.
A secret that shows her a way out of this world and leads her to the Kingdom of Rosevine. A place where the impossible only exists in one’s mind and everything she could ever want, is right at her fingertips.

Surely, she should be happy now. She is, but for how long?

Is Rosevine really an escape or is it a ticking time bomb? Only Tangi can decide and time has just about run out.

After:
When Tangi's father dies, he leaves her nothing but three empty bottles. A kind uncle takes the poverty-stricken girl and her stepsisters in, and for a time life gets better on his farm. But Tangi remains a lonely outsider; her stepsisters tease her for her crippled leg, and the housekeepers use her like a servant.

Just before her thirteenth birthday, Tangi learns the truth about her father's strange legacy: the three bottles aren't empty any more. They're filled with all the tears she's cried since her father died, and her tears are enchanted. She must use them to travel to Rosevine, the world of her dead mother. Tangi not only belongs there but is necessary to keep Rosevine alive.

Tangi's tears will save Rosevine, and Rosevine will save Tangi from a cruelty-filled life, except for one thing: Tangi's lost the bottles.

Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

New before/after: "Love Is the Drug"

Boy, long time no blog! The holidays and editing my most recent book kept me from saying much here, business slowed with the holidays, and a lot of the blurbs I've written lately are for unpublished works. I try to save the blurb before/after for when the writer has the book out.

Today's before/after is a little different; K.E. Saxon hired me to cut her existing blurb down to a really, really short synopsis for an ad--50 to 55 words, fewer if possible! Challenging, but fun.  Here's what K.E. says about working with me:

"I swear, I sat there yesterday cutting and pasting and moving words around, and could NOT figure out how to put such a short blurb together. You were a godsend and I'll definitely recommend you!"
Thanks, K.E.! Here's what we came up with together:

Before:
What's a guy to do when he meets the woman of his dreams, but she turns out to be the sister of his most despised enemy?

Fall in love, of course!

* * *

This is the story of Jason Jörgensen, an excitement-loving bad boy and Julie Del Mar, the quiet, romantic dreamer who breaches his devil-may-care façade and helps heal the frightened boy inside.

Conceived during a violent rape, Jason knows deep down that he’s no good. So, as far as he’s concerned, his plan never to have children is not only sound, but also the right thing to do.

Julie, orphaned at twelve, has now lost her surrogate parent—her older sister—to suicide. Returning to the only real home she ever had and someday making her own family is her most profound wish.

A drugged-drink Vegas wedding brings them together, but a pregnancy test tears them apart.

After:
Jason Jörgensen discovers he’s the seed of a violent rapist and vows never to be a father. Julie Del Mar has lost the last member of her family to suicide and now she wants to create her own family. Uncontrollable desire brings them together, but a pregnancy test may tear them apart.

Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.