Tuesday, February 7, 2012

New before/after: "Penny for Your Debts"

Today's before/after is Zoe E. Whitten's fantasy, Penny for Your Debts. This is a dark retelling of an instantly recognizable fairy tale. We did two versions of this blurb, one 400-character shortie for Smashwords and one full blurb for everywhere else. Let me say for the record that 400 characters is too little for a proper book description. It's possible to sum up a book in a sentence, and I suppose that's what one should aim for in a Smashwords short description. Nevertheless, that's not what I did here.

Full disclosure: Zoe is an online friend.

Short version before:

Penny Sterling is just eight when her mother Jane fulfills a pact made before her birth. Given to Nicholas Rumpelstilts, Penny is told she will serve as a child bride. But once he has his prize alone, Nicholas treats Penny like gold, granting her access to her mother, friends, and a quiet life with a private bedroom. Nicholas promises never to lie, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t keeping secrets...

Short version after:
Eight-year-old Penny Sterling's mother promised her to Nicholas Rumpelstilts before her birth. When she becomes his child bride, she fears the worst but he leaves her alone and treats her kindly. As she grows up, Penny develops magical powers that put her in danger, and Nicholas protects and comforts her. When he disappears she must choose between her freedom and her growing love for her captor.

Long version before:
Penny Sterling is just eight when her mother Jane fulfills a pact made before her birth. Given to Nicholas Rumpelstilts, Penny is told she will serve as a child bride. But once he has his prize alone, Nicholas treats Penny like gold, granting her access to her mother, friends, and a quiet life with a private bedroom. Nicholas promises never to lie, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t keeping secrets...

Penny begins to have strange feelings and thoughts which are not her own. With her abilities manifesting, Nicholas entrusts Penny with a secret she can’t share with Jane: magic is real, and Penny is a developing witch. Her powers expose her to many dangerous creatures, but they also bring her closer to an extended family she never knew she had. Penny learns how her kind are seen as monsters by normal humans, and she encounters a real monster who leaves her with scars, both physical and emotional. With these exposures to the harsh realities of her dual life, Nicholas no longer seems so terrible, and Penny comes to love him. Despite the warnings of her friends not to do anything hasty, Penny crosses another boundary and allows Nicholas to become her lover.

When Nicholas disappears, Penny panics and uses what little training she has to search for him. In the process, she exposes herself to her closest friends and makes a deal that threatens her life as well as the safety of her mother and Jane’s new husband. 

A dark fantasy exploring themes of child brides and Stockholm syndrome, Penny for Your Debts contains graphic violence and sexual situations, and should not be read by anyone under the age of eighteen.

Long version after:
When eight-year-old Penny Sterling becomes the child bride of Nicholas Rumpelstits, she expects the worst. Instead, she's free to go to school, to have friends, even to see the mother who gave her to Nicholas before her birth--and her new husband never lays a hand on her. But however pleasant the cage, she's still a prisoner.

As Penny grows, she learns why Nicholas may want her: she's a witch. She must hide her abilities or risk the world's fear and hatred. Penny always thought Nicholas was the monster, but when a real monster leaves her scarred emotionally and physically he is the one who offers safety and comfort in a world where she's likely to find neither.

When Nicholas disappears in dangerous circumstances, Penny faces a hard choice: take her freedom, or search for a captor she's come to love.

A dark fantasy exploring themes of child marriage and Stockholm syndrome, Penny for Your Debts contains graphic violence and sexual situations, and should not be read by anyone under the age of eighteen.





Monday, February 6, 2012

New before/after: "Punish Me with Roses"



Today's before/after is Juliet Moore's Victorian romance, "Punish Me with Roses." It's a wee bit on the long side--I like to keep it below 180 words if possible--but I think it works.

Before:
After her cousin is fatally poisoned, Victoria Clavering becomes both an heiress and the number one suspect.

Fearing prosecution, Victoria escapes to her uncle's estate in Cornwall, a place of dark legends and intrepid smugglers. There is safety in avoidance … until she meets Alexander Trevelyn, the second son of a wealthy landowner. 

Victoria falls for the handsome stranger, never realizing he's the man who's been sent to prove her guilt and make her pay. 

Victoria needs to put her life back together and figuring out what really happened on that cold Christmas Eve her cousin died is the only way.

After:
Christmas, 1847 may be the bleakest of pretty orphan Victoria Clavering's life. She lives under the thumb of her guardian Hugh Clavering, a callous man who begrudges her even the smallest kindnesses. When Hugh and his valet are poisoned on Christmas Eve, Victoria becomes both heiress and murder suspect.

Alex Trevelyn, the valet's cousin, is convinced she's guilty. As far as Alex is concerned, the world is divided into the completely innocent and the completely wicked, and Victoria is as wicked as they come. After all, Hugh left his money first to Alex's cousin and then to Victoria. With both men dead, she inherits it all.

Alex vows to bring her to justice--until they meet, and unexpected passion flares between them. Soon Alex finds himself trying to protect Victoria after a series of threatening notes attached to roses, even though he still believes she's guilty.

Victoria must convince Alex of her innocence and clear her name. Alex must learn that life is more shaded than simple black and white. And they've got to do it quickly, to save their love and Victoria's life.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

New before/after: "Unleashed"



Today's before/after is Emily Kimelman's thriller, "Unleashed: A Sydney Rye Novel (Volume One)." Here's what we came up with together:

Before:
Joy Humbolt is not a huge fan of people and after getting fired from her latest stint as a barrista she is becoming dangerously close to unemployable. So when Charlene Miller offers Joy her dog-walking business on the exclusive upper east side of Manhattan, Joy is happy to accept, despite a suspiciously quick transaction.


But Joy's world is turned upside down when she discovers one of her clients murdered and Charlene gone. Joy cannot help but become caught up in the drama and danger of her new employer’s lives.


With the help of a rogue Police Detective Joy enters her clients sphere of power and influence searching for the killer. Usually a loner, Joy is disturbed by how much she likes it in their world. These people make the rules but are not bound by them. Joy realizes too late that only one kind of justice makes it this far uptown: vigilante. When Joy let’s go of  what little respect she had for the human race she become unstoppable, unleashed, and is reborn Sydney Rye.

After:
Joy Humbolt has trouble holding down jobs; she's a little too smart and a little too feisty for her own good. So when she buys Charlene Miller's dog-walking business on Manhattan's exclusive upper east side, it seems like the perfect fit: Posh environment, minimal contact with people.


But then one of her clients turns up dead, and Charlene disappears. Rumors say Charlene was having an affair with the dead man--and of course, everyone assumes Joy must know where she is.


Joy begins to look into the murder, first out of curiosity then out of anger when someone else dies and death threats start coming her way. The deeper Joy digs into the secrets of Manhattan's elite, the closer she gets to the killer--until she uncovers a treasure worth risking everything to take.

In the end:
I've decided to start showing what the author eventually went with if it's different than what I did. In this case, Emily changed some of the wording and added some stuff back that we'd taken out in the final edit. I want to emphasize that when authors change what I've done it's not wrong; they just make different choices. In the end, it's always the author's book:


Joy Humbolt does not like people telling her what to do, so it comes as no surprise that she was just fired from her last job. When she buys Charlene Miller's dog-walking business on Manhattan's exclusive upper east side, it seems like the perfect fit: Posh environment, minimal contact with people.


But then one of her clients turns up dead, and Charlene disappears. Rumors say Charlene was having an affair with the victim--and of course, everyone assumes Joy must know where she is. Joy begins to look into the crime, first out of curiosity then out of anger when there is another murder and threats start to come her way.


When police detective Mulberry is assigned to the case, Joy finds a kindred spirit--cynical and none-too-fond of the human race. As they dig deep into the secrets of Manhattan's elite, they not only get closer to the killer but to a treasure that might be worth risking everything to take.

Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.