Saturday, February 4, 2012

New before/after: "Unleashed"



Today's before/after is Emily Kimelman's thriller, "Unleashed: A Sydney Rye Novel (Volume One)." Here's what we came up with together:

Before:
Joy Humbolt is not a huge fan of people and after getting fired from her latest stint as a barrista she is becoming dangerously close to unemployable. So when Charlene Miller offers Joy her dog-walking business on the exclusive upper east side of Manhattan, Joy is happy to accept, despite a suspiciously quick transaction.


But Joy's world is turned upside down when she discovers one of her clients murdered and Charlene gone. Joy cannot help but become caught up in the drama and danger of her new employer’s lives.


With the help of a rogue Police Detective Joy enters her clients sphere of power and influence searching for the killer. Usually a loner, Joy is disturbed by how much she likes it in their world. These people make the rules but are not bound by them. Joy realizes too late that only one kind of justice makes it this far uptown: vigilante. When Joy let’s go of  what little respect she had for the human race she become unstoppable, unleashed, and is reborn Sydney Rye.

After:
Joy Humbolt has trouble holding down jobs; she's a little too smart and a little too feisty for her own good. So when she buys Charlene Miller's dog-walking business on Manhattan's exclusive upper east side, it seems like the perfect fit: Posh environment, minimal contact with people.


But then one of her clients turns up dead, and Charlene disappears. Rumors say Charlene was having an affair with the dead man--and of course, everyone assumes Joy must know where she is.


Joy begins to look into the murder, first out of curiosity then out of anger when someone else dies and death threats start coming her way. The deeper Joy digs into the secrets of Manhattan's elite, the closer she gets to the killer--until she uncovers a treasure worth risking everything to take.

In the end:
I've decided to start showing what the author eventually went with if it's different than what I did. In this case, Emily changed some of the wording and added some stuff back that we'd taken out in the final edit. I want to emphasize that when authors change what I've done it's not wrong; they just make different choices. In the end, it's always the author's book:


Joy Humbolt does not like people telling her what to do, so it comes as no surprise that she was just fired from her last job. When she buys Charlene Miller's dog-walking business on Manhattan's exclusive upper east side, it seems like the perfect fit: Posh environment, minimal contact with people.


But then one of her clients turns up dead, and Charlene disappears. Rumors say Charlene was having an affair with the victim--and of course, everyone assumes Joy must know where she is. Joy begins to look into the crime, first out of curiosity then out of anger when there is another murder and threats start to come her way.


When police detective Mulberry is assigned to the case, Joy finds a kindred spirit--cynical and none-too-fond of the human race. As they dig deep into the secrets of Manhattan's elite, they not only get closer to the killer but to a treasure that might be worth risking everything to take.

Want me to help with your blurb? I can do that.


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