New before/after: "Nocturnal"

Today's before/after is the first one-shot I've featured. The one-shot service is a thorough once-through of your blurb; I may be able to rewrite it, or depending on what you've given me I may only be able to make suggestions, give possible examples based on what I do know, and give you questions to answer.

This blurb is for Chelsea M. Cameron's book Nocturnal, the first of the three Noctalis Chronicles books. I did one-shots for all three of the books, and I'll be featuring them all here in coming days. This is the second blurb we've worked on together. After we finished this one, here's what Chelsea has to say about working with me:

Wahoo! Sooo much better. You're magical. ... The first blurb you did has been more effective than I ever could have dreamed.

Thanks, Chelsea!

For one-shots, I'm going to show you what the client gave me initially, what I sent back, and what the client eventually came up with. Things I put in [[brackets]] are questions I have or incomplete information the client needs to fill in.

Before

Seventeen-year-old Ava-Claire Sullivan isn't one for doing the expected. Especially when she finds out her mother's cancer is terminal. After a crying session in the local cemetery where she's attacked by one strange guy and saved by another, she doesn't call the cops. Because those guys definitely weren't your average hooligans. 

And the one who sort-of saved her? Well, he's odd. He doesn't seem to breathe or smile or have anything better to do than wait in the cemetery for Ava to come back, which she does. Morbid curiosity? Even after he warns her that he's dangerous, she can't stop wanting to see him, talk to him, be with him.

There's just something about Peter that provides a much-needed escape from her mother's diagnosis and her tenuous relationship with her father. Her best friends, Jamie and Texas, don't know what it's like to face death. Peter does; he already has. But a promise he made a long time ago could destroy both of them.

When everything in your life is falling apart, what are you willing to give up to hold onto the one thing that could last forever?


One-Shot Consultation
Seventeen-year-old Ava-Claire Sullivan's mother is dying. Perhaps it's no surprise, then, that her greatest solace comes from someone who's already dead.

Peter [[last name?]] saves her one night in a graveyard from an attacker just as strange as he is, and now Ava-Claire can't stop thinking about him. She wants to see him again--even after he warns her against himself, and she begins to realize what he is. Her best friends don't know anything about death, but Peter does, intimately. He's waiting for her [[whenever/every night]] she comes to the cemetery. 

But their growing bond comes up against a promise Peter made a long time ago, a promise that could destroy them both. Now Ava-Claire has to decide just what she's willing to give up to hold onto the one thing that could last forever.


After
Seventeen-year-old Ava-Claire Sullivan's mother is dying. Perhaps it's no surprise, then, that her greatest solace comes from someone who's already dead. 

 Peter Hart saves her one night in a graveyard from an attacker just as strange as he is, and now Ava can't stop thinking about him. She wants to see him again - even after he warns her he's dangerous, and she begins to realize what he is. Her best friends don't know anything about death, but Peter does, intimately. He's waiting for her the next night she comes to the cemetery, and the next... 

 But their growing bond comes up against a promise Peter made a long time ago, a promise that could destroy them both. Now Ava has to decide just what she's willing to give up to hold onto the one thing that could last forever.

I'd love to help you with your blurb!